I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
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