I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
