A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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