I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
