Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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