sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
