dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
