Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
