you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
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