I smell stomach acid.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
