Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
