Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
