My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Randomize
