i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
