i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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