Dude my mom stole all your condoms
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
