I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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