Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
