im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
