I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
