btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
