I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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