I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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