Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
