girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
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