i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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