then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
