even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Just pee around me
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
