Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
