dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
