gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
