A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
