I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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