She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Who died my cat blue again?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
