Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
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Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
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God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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