the condom got lost in my hair
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
