C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
