i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
