I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Randomize
