I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
