People in love make me want to vomit
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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