I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
