I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
