My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
