i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
