i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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