i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
there is glitter all over my balls
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
