Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
