If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
