@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
