Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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