im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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