I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
