Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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