So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
