so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
