I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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