i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
