Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Randomize
